The World According to Bob

January 27, 2008

Melissa

Filed under: Personal history — rjplumer @ 3:08 am

I originally wrote this for Helium.com and can be seen here.

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When I think of my first love from my younger years I can’t help but have feelings of joy and nostalgia for years gone past. She was my high school sweetheart and we shared many things together for several years. Though it’s been many year’s since we’ve been together and we’ve long since moved on with our lives it fills my heart with joy that we were able to share our lives together for a time. At times I’ve wanted to share some of these thought’s with her but I don’t think for whatever reason perhaps I was dwelling in the past and should move on. I believe I have but perhaps I never had a sense of closure when we last parted ways. I guess this would be a sort of therapy for me.

There are many things that bring fond memories to mind. I remember that first kiss, how could I forget that? I remember you singing “Hotel California” softly in my ear at the prom with our arms wrapped around each other. I remember “borrowing” my mother’s car to go to Boston the next day and getting in trouble for it later. I remember the joy we shared finally graduating from high school. That was tempered by the heartache and tears shed when I left for the Army couple of weeks later. I wrote some terribly long letters of loneliness and of how much I missed you so. I looked forward to your letter’s in response with great anticipation. I remember the heartache I had when I got that letter saying we should not be a couple while I was away. I remember when you actually called me when I was away and I was in shock to hear your voice again.
When I returned we seemed to pick up right where we left off. I remember the awkwardness and nervousness of first making love to you. The passion we had when we kissed was unforgettable. I remember the late night trips to your school just to be with you. I can still feel the joy when we held hands. I remember the adventure we had when we first lived together for awhile.

I can also still feel the heartache when things seem to fall apart. Missing you terribly when you were gone. I never felt so hurt at times when we were apart. I was crushed when you asked me to leave that time, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. I don’t think I ever quite recovered fully from that at the time. I also remember leaving that last time. I don’t know how I left that day. You were full of heartache and tears.

I can’t tell you how deeply sorry I was that I didn’t stay. I didn’t live up to your expectations. I feel now that I let you down. I had no goals at the time and gave you little hope of a future so how could I blame you.I’ve long since forgiven you for anything you may have done wrong. I can only ask in all humbleness that you’ve forgiven me.

I’m so glad were still in touch even though we’ve both moved on with our lives. These are some of the words that I’ve left unspoken for fear of what I don’t know. Perhaps fear of bringing up things that are perhaps better left unsaid. For many years I wished we could have talked more but were unable or unwilling to. I think a line from Don Henley’s song “The heart of the matter” says it best. It’s a song that pretty much sums up how I still feel about us even after all these years. I think of you every time I hear it. The last line goes “Forgiveness,Even if,Even if you don’t love me anymore”.

Thank you Melissa for all the fond memories and I hope you find what your looking for. It wasn’t really wasted time as the “Eagles” sang. In retrospect it was time I wouldn’t trade anything for.

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